The Fight

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It’s not an easy place to be. It’s not easy to wake up every morning and know that the life I had planned and imagined for myself is suddenly gone. Why her? And why her too? How? What could I have done differently? These questions swirl through my head every moment of every day. It takes all the strength to quiet these thoughts but deep down I know I did absolutely everything I could.

I fought. I fought with everything I had. But it takes two people to fight for a marriage and only one to walk away. I want to share this journey of healing with you all because I think it’s an important one. Infidelity and divorce have become such common themes in our current culture yet there is still so much shame and embarrassment that come along with them. We don’t talk about it enough but maybe if we did we could understand people in a different way. This isn’t a decision I came to lightly. To share all of this. To be raw and vulnerable. I am terrified not only to walk this journey for myself but to put it all out there. But I’m going to do it because I hope this will bring about healing for someone else too.

Humans are messy. Love is messy. Our hearts are messy and so is life. It is all so beautiful though and I want to keep fighting. Some days it takes everything in me to simply get out of bed, while other days are filled with laughter and meetings with my dearest friends. Every day is new and different. It doesn’t always feel okay and there have already been so many days that I wonder if it ever will be. Then I give myself a moment to just feel. I let the sadness wash over me and I release it. A piece of my dream has been lost forever and for that I will grieve.

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Although he’s still here, there’s a part of my heart that never will be again. I know time will heal but it can never replace. These scars are a part of me now and all I can do is help them hurt a little less every day. I hope you'll come on this journey with me and if you're struggling with these things too, I hope you'll also find some healing.